Who Do You Want to Be?

No, I’m not talking about what you want to be when you grow up.  I’m talking about who you want to be in your life…how you want to show up.  So often we’re showing up automatically.  We think we’re making choices about who we want to be and we’re really letting our Survival Mechanisms drive the bus. 

I coach from an ontological perspective, from a place of learning who you want to be and who you are at your core – that place that is whole and complete and untouched by life and all that it throws at us.  Yes, I know it can be a brain-bender, but stick with me.

Once upon a time, we were created in this beautiful way – uniquely us, each an individual with different strengths and passions and all the things.  We were born, untouched by trauma, untouched by other people’s junk, untouched by what the world taught us was “safe”.  Possibility was everywhere!  This is our Essence.  As soon as we were born, we started to build up our Survival Mechanisms, that protective barrier that reacts to the world around us, because the world is imperfect and so are the humans that cared for us.  We learned behaviors and began telling ourselves stories about who we are and who others are and how we need to be to get what we want and need in this world, completely forgetting that whole, complete, possibility-embracing part of us!  Our Survival Mechanisms got bigger and bigger and louder and louder until, one day, we couldn’t tell where our Survival Mechanisms ended and our Essence began.  But I am here to tell you they are not the same and can be teased apart.  You CAN choose to come from Essence again!

It's a journey, for sure.  I wish it was as simple as waving a magic wand and we could identify our Survival Mechanisms in all their parts and call on our Essence 100% of the time and all would be well!  But then, where would we grow and learn?  Simple and easy is nice and sometimes leaves something to be desired. 

Coming from Survival Mechanism can really be sneaky!  Sometimes, I think I’m choosing my Essence and I’m actually coming from Survival Mechanism!  Can you believe how sneaky those things are?!  Survival Mechanisms’ goal is lifetime employment in your life!  And, it’s a bit like letting a 5-year-old drive your car…unwise at best.

It’s important to note here that Survival Mechanisms aren’t bad – they’re very important to us!  They’ve kept us safe and alive!  And we will never be rid of them, and we don’t want to be rid of them.  They serve a purpose; the key is being aware of when we need them and how to use them effectively without getting our stuff on everyone else and CHOOSING to employ Survival Mechanisms strategically.  Otherwise, things can go off the rails pretty quickly.  Oh, we think we have our stuff together.  We sure do.  And maybe we do to a degree.  Could it be better?  Could it be more you?  I posit that yes, it can.

My Essence is Authenticity, Sage, Delight, Compassion, and Beacon.  These qualities were imbued in me before birth and are complete and whole and the core of who I am – who I get to be when I am choosing to come from Essence.  I know I am coming from these when I am connected, calm, clear, confident, courageous, and curious.  Not all of those are always present, but most of them are when I come from my Essence. 

When I come from my Essence, boy, do things shift!  I feel empowered!  I believe in possibility again!  I am able to believe in my agency and choice – I make things happen, they don’t just happen to me.  My circumstances don’t dictate my reaction; I am able to respond from a place of compassion.  Sounds pretty incredible, right?  It is.  I bet you’ve experienced this before; you’ve experienced the glimpses of your own Essence and what it does for you to come from Essence, you just didn’t know that’s what was happening.

When you coach with me, you’ll get to distinguish your own Essence.  We’ll also identify your Survival Mechanisms, so you’ll know when you’re coming from them and start generating that awareness that is so critical to choice.  One of the questions I like to ask my clients is, “Who do you want to be about your situation?”  Once you know your Essence and your Survival Mechanisms, you’ll have greater choice in choosing to come from whichever most serves you!  That’s a huge win in my book. 

Choosing who you want to be in a situation or even more broadly in your life will literally change the trajectory of you.  It’s that simple and it’s that hard.  It’s not always easy to choose to come from Essence; I’m in the middle of my grief of my mom and best dog friend’s passing and I don’t always choose to come from Essence.  And, there’s grace for myself when I don’t.  And there’s always tomorrow or the next time to choose differently.

How are you showing up in your life?  Are you truly choosing from Essence or are your sneaky little Survival Mechanisms been given the keys to the car and get to drive you around?  I would love to support you while you journey forward in your life with choosing from Essence and creating relationship with your Survival Mechanisms.  Choose to show up from Essence and see what shifts for you.

My name is Amber.  I am Authenticity.  Sage.  Delight.  Compassion.  Beacon.  I am NOT Animated Asshole, Pathetic Judge, or Selfish Good Girl.

So.  Who do you want to be?